Reading over yesterday's blog post, I was struck by how unemotional it was. It brought to my attention how exhausted I feel.
For me, when things get really crazy, I simply go from one movement to the next, trying to make the best decision, then another best decision, on some kind of strange autopilot. My emotional response turns almost completely flat. I can be appropriately compassionate and externally caring, but inside everything is muted and dimmed.
There is nothing more troubling to me than seeing someone else, animal or human, in pain. It brings up such a helpless feeling, when I know that no matter what I do, how nice I am, how comfortable I try to make them, the animal or person still has to deal with their own process of suffering.
I have spent the entire day fretting about Houla: giving her medications and eyedrops, making sure she's warm enough, trying to be near her as often as possible to give her the reassurance of my touch. I called my boss and made arrangements to have someone else cover tomorrow night's Planning Commission meeting, so I can work from home. That way I can be with her all day tomorrow, and on Tuesday up to the time I drop her off for her surgery. On Wednesday, I'll bring her in to work with me.
I know that I'm doing everything I can, but it just doesn't seem like enough. And with each passing hour, I feel heavier and heavier inside, filled with an unbearable sadness. I think it would help if I could cry long and hard, but even that is beyond my reach.
I haven't been able to sit zazen, either. In fact, it was not until typing this line that it even occurred to me that I haven't been doing it. Maybe that's what I need. I'll give it a try.
When you meditate, could you send comfort to my sweet little Houla? We both thank you....